It takes a while, but eventually you can appreciate certain types of internet commenter for their inner beauty, their style, their utter poetic ridiculousness.
One that struck me today was the hotness judge. People who prattle on endlessly about how “hot” various celebrities are. “Yeah, she wasn’t that hot, I wouldn’t do her” they pronounce, sadly, as if a great tragedy has occurred. As if the twitching of their trousersnake is somehow important in the vastness of the universe, and, damn it, people need to know. As if successful, young, attractive, wealthy actors need their genital’s approval.
These people are useful in long comment threads as punctuation. Often they snap me out of a reading trance and let me move on to other pastures. They are also handy if I need to, for whatever reason, shake my head in amused dismay.
There’s other types, of course. Perhaps a taxonomic breakdown will come in handy. There’s quite a few related types to the hotness judge, people who weigh in on what they like about anything solemnly, from cars to planets, jewelry to yachts, but primarily things they a) have zero chance of ever acquiring and 2) were not, indeed, asked for their opinion in regards to. I’ll see if I have the wherewithal to do so.
So apparently my roommate has a feed for my site and she was concerned that my last post was due to drunken craziness instead of my normal brain malfunctions. I can say, happily, that while I was indeed drunk while writing it, I stand by every word.
Sarah woke up with Trampled by Turtles running through her head, so I found this live version of “Wait So Long” for her to enjoy:
The bass player is so endearingly awkward.
The Kings put a third period all up in the Blues’ backsides last night. They come in trailing 4 to 1 and then go out with a 6-4 win. How much do the Blues hate playing my fellas? Love it. Also: Never fight Kyle Clifford. He will fuck you up so bad. Lucky #13, the Big Red Dog.
Note also the lack of fucks given while he skates off after hitting that guy so hard he forgets his kids’ names.
You’ll find me May 7 at the Casbah. J. Mascis plays on his Several Shades of Why tour, with Black Heart Procession opening, the day after my (and Marie’s and Ryan’s and Ikoi’s dad’s) birthday. I’m going to co-opt the show as my birthday party, so count on my being drunk, irritating, and probably deserving of a nutkick.
Here’s a link to one of the songs, “Is It Done?”, which is beautiful and disconcerting, coming from the king of crazy loud electric guitar.
Here’s a video where a guy talks about dinosaurs.
It’s really funny.
Here’s Dinosaur Jr. with possibly my favorite song of theirs ever, “Get Me”
UPDATE: a midi file for the song. Ryan swore up and down he could make it fit on a guitar. Honest. No, really. okay. anyone who hasn’t read terry pratchett’s “discworld” books, or reads this post and doesn’t immediately read one, has officially lost at least 50% of the respect that i had for them. if i have much to begin with, that can be a crippling blow.
The Hedgehog Song Nanny Ogg
“Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do But I have to say this as a warning to you: With almost all creatures, you can have ball But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man They’ll give you a pain in the worst place they can The result I think you’ll find will appall: The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Mounting a horse can often be fun An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick you’ll end up with naught but a painful prick. He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball, Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo Will be entertaining to both her and you Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1 A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet Even a giraffe (despite being so tall) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill, It’s amazing how humping a camel will thrill You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1 You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite We already mentioned the horse, you recall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell A troll can be rocky if down you should fall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1 For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter Or pego a pig after parting his trotters Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer The lemurs cry “Frink!” as a coy mating call But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1 Antipodean pranks — you can futter a wombat Or strive with a ‘roo in venereal combat Or hump a goanna — go on, do it all But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2 A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising, Or mountin’ a mountain goat (careful, don’t fall!) but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.