Well now
I'm kind of stunned right now. For a lot of reasons. I thought I had poisons in me but I guess I don't. My head is spinning a little...I think I'll just post some songs. Listen to them carefully, OK? They're fucking good songs.
I am a breathing time machine.
I got a big big mouth that just won't shut up!
I thought I knew, but I don't know if I know.
It's weird hearing songs proclaiming love and thinking "damn. I got no one to sing those for." Like these ones. I suppose I can think of them as songs for potential. I'll probably at some point fall in love, or heavy like, with someone cool again. Not everyone in the world is like my ex-wife. So I can sing to that ghost-shape of future maybes.
I've tried hard to listen to stuff that we listened to, but man...some of it's too fraught. Like Holland, 1945 below...that was our walk-out music for the wedding. I high-fived a surprised-looking Everette on the way out. She cried so hard trying to read the vows I wrote (I wrote both our vows at the last minute because she wouldn't, by the way) that she barely got through. Her dad got lost or had to lasso her insane (literally!) sister to the bumper of his car so her brother walked her down the aisle. To "The Trapeze Swinger".
Wednesdee nite
Oh man. I've been thinking about my birthday coming up. I'm going to be forty. 40! four zero. Who woulda thunk that shit, right? I was completely convinced, as a teen, that I'd never make it out of my twenties. I literally had a vision when I was 17 that I would die when I was 24 and fucking went nuts doing everything I could. I didn't to a lot because I was lazy as fuck, but I tried. But then I turned 25 and I was still alive. So shit! there's something to figure out. Anyhoo, I'm glad the whole fate thing turned out to be bullshit.
I got my passport! I'm officially...passported? Port-passed? Dunno what the operative word is. But I'm it.
I'm still watching Lost Girl, it's horribly bad. But I can't stop. It's like crack TV. I suppose I'll run out of episodes soon.
Blake sent me this tonight. What an astonishing voice. Thanks Blake.
Oh yeah, the ex-wife is back in town. I looked to get her social info from her mom, for taxes, and her mom told me she was back living with her. So either she ditched her grotesque animal or he ditched her. I keep running through what I'll say to her whenever she comes back and is in my face. It ranges from harsh, to gentle, to blank. To nothing. I don't actually think she'll come back. I was harsh with her the last time I spoke to her, hoping it would keep her away. I was never good for her, and she was never good for me, and I hope she stays away, and lets it fade. She'll find someone she likes and so will I, someone who's nice to her how she wants someone to be nice to her, not how I was, which made her hate her life. So that's that.
Old email
At one point last year we decided we would have a kid. I was going through old emails, and at the point where I'd decided I wanted to I'd written an email to the future child. I talked about who I was, and what I would always do for them. I read some of it. I realized that child would never exist.
Probably for the best, ultimately. But still, I wonder what that kid would have looked like, sounded like, laughed like. And it'll never happen.
I thought
I thought I was endless. I thought I had an endless reservoir of love, of hope, of strength. But I'm not endless. I'm as finite as one can be. I suppose I should thank her, because she showed me my limits. Better to know, I suppose, than to go forward thinking you had no limits.
I found out I can fall out of love with someone, that a vow broken will break me.
I found out the only person I can truly trust is myself, and that I should listen to my instincts more.
I found out my idealism wasn't necessarily the right approach to life. Maybe hope can be misplaced. Maybe? Definitely.
I found out that some people will continue with something they know is no longer true because they hope to make it true again.
She told me she married me and wanted a baby with me because she hoped it would "fix things" and I went cold. She told me that sex with me felt like rape to her. She told me she wasn't happy with me, and our home made her miserable. And then she came back, at least virtually, and told me she wanted to try again. The words, the actions, they can't be undone. They sliced clean through our connection like a scalpel. I think what she's feeling is a phantom hand, like when someone has a limb amputated, and they still occasionally feel something.
What we did, both of us over the course of our relationship, can't be fixed. She stopped believing in me years ago, probably before we even got married. And she acted on it, to go somewhere else, to try and find happiness. She broke my love in the process, and nearly broke me completely. The destruction was a result of delusion in both of us, and delusion is poison to the heart.
I suppose I should thank her, for showing me my limits. Thanks for a lot of good times, too. Thanks for making me realize I can love, and be loved, even if in the end we fucked it up.
I'll go forward, and look to the world to see what it is. But I won't have my eyes fogged with hate or bitterness. I'll try to see clearly, and try to be a good man, and try to do better next time. I hope she does too.
Thursday night pontificatin
Sitting here thinking. I kind of got it in my head that maybe sort of I would be okay to kind of a little bit have feelings for someone, and boy oh boy was I premature on that count. Rein it in, stallion. Time to get back into recovery mode. I know I'll get there eventually. With Sarah off travelling I got particularly lonesome and my dumb got out of controls.
I'm not thinking I'll be able to do the cruise for my b-day. I'm too broke. Jobless, no prospects either. It's getting pretty bleak, too...I've shut down everything. I don't even leave the house unless it's for a staple item. I haven't eaten out in a week, and that was just a quick Lourdes lunch with Nikki to say howdy-welcome-back-to-America and then I ran right home.
The Kings are finally starting to play like they should, which is fun. 5 in row, up into the playoffs, and a showdown with the Canucks on Saturday. Bring it, Vancouverians.
Went for a walk in the park with Sarah today, 85 degrees and sunny on the last day of February. Suck it, rest of the world.
Other than that I'm just sitting here like, as I've been told I am, a rock.
Saturday cogitatin
I picked up Tara yesterday and we went to moonlight for a wander, grabbing shells and talking about things. It was weird seeing how grim she felt before we got there, then increasingly happier as we walked south, past the point, towards Swami's. We saw some sandpipers and a plover, then occasionally spotted some signs of dolphins. The sun was a bit glarey so it was hard to look directly out there. I noticed some pelicans crashing out in the distance, you can't see the birds easily but you can see the flash of white from the spume when they hit the surface of the water.
The surf was very calm just south of Moonlight, and looked like a super easy kayak launch. The last two times I've walked that beach it's been nearly glassy. I need to grab a yak from the garage and try a surf launch. Gotta learn it someday. Maybe it's a little too cold right now...maybe not. Maybe I can get a wetsuit. The thought of my current body configuration in a form-fitting wetsuit is alarming, however. Kind of like a potato with toothpick limbs. I'm working on it.
Here's a band Charles pointed out to me.
"Wait So Long"
Trampled By Turtles
Palomino
I could never pretend that I don't love you.
You could never pretend that I'm your man.
That's exactly the way that I want it.
That's exactly the way that I am.
And you call me in the morning with your troubles
Takin' it downtown every night
I could never place the stars at night above ya.
I got my hands on the ground,
and you know I'm right.
You wait so long,
You wait so long,
You wait so long,
You wait so long.
It's a coffee stained earth ever time it happens.
Liven up honey it ain't that bad.
Any afterthought rose to recognition
Like every other coffin that I had
And your Buick broke down in Winnemuka,
Fall to your knees and you pray to the lord
Then you take up hope at the politicians
Nothing happens in this burnt out town anymore.
You wait so long,
You wait so long,
You wait so long,
You wait so long.
And your heart rolls on like a frozen freight train
You know that I help you if I can
But I'm just a raindrop in a river
Just a little itty-bitty grain of sand
And you know that I'm doomed to repeat this
With all the bad habits that I've learned
But it's better than your fire-borne fornication
And all the dirty money that you earn.
You wait so long,
You wait so long,
You wait so long,
You wait so long.
The song is a pretty straightforward F/C/G/Am 4/4 repeat.
Took a walk
I took a stroll around Kit Carson Park today. I hadn't been there in a while, and Ikoi and I powerwalked the length of it. It was good to get a tiny little sweat on, after my potato-like sitting about ways lately. I'd not seen the sculpture garden they built in there. I took a pic of Ikoi celebrating.
I also stopped by the pond and communed with the ducks for a while.
They did not seem to give a fuck. Ducks are like that.
garth time
Sometimes I feel like I'm a stoppered fire hose. Not in a penis way, in an emotional/mental way. I have this massive pressure of...things...I want to share, I want to be joyous about. And for twelve years I was chained to someone who had little ability to feel joy, or anything, and the second she thought she did she ran off with some total scumbag and left the country. You may think I exaggerate but no.
So I've got this urge to just share the fuck out of everything I see and love and get jacked up about and I suppose what I'm doing is looking for someone who can handle it, can take me hulking out over stupid shit anyone else would think was inconsequential. Who's willing to run off after odd hunches. To spit on butterflies. Or something like that.
I'm still in a fragile place in some ways, but the pain I'm feeling is healing pain, not broken pain. And that's a good pain.
Things is a-happening
I believe I have finally, finally, gotten it through her head that I don't want any further contact with her. I anticipated a whining email that would imply she didn't really for real want a divorce, and sure enough I got it. I sent her a pretty angry response, she did the same, and no emails since then. Huzzah! I'm feeling pretty positive and happy and the bad moments are way less frequent. I've lost like ten pounds, too, which is interesting and slightly scary. I've got the house full of my stuff, not hers, as well, and I went through all of my pictures on all of my computers and got rid of every pic of her, including the wedding albums. The CDs, marriage license, bouquet, all that shit went with her mom. She hasn't sent a check for any bills so at the end of the month I'm canceling her phone and insurance. The divorce should be filed and ready by then, with only a wait for the decree to be returned.
It's been tumultuous to say the least, but some things came through loud and clear to me in this process. Even though we were together for a long, long time, we were never good for each other. One may have been good for the other at a time, but never in unity, as partners. It was always one-way. She was never happy with me. I was always frustrated by her. I think we were just so stubborn we kept at it despite the troubles. It's a good thing, a refreshing thing, to have that weight off my back. To know I can plan things without her misery dragging me down.
Well that was all emotional. I made this face for unskeptical fools who throw money down the woo-hole. I thought it was funny.
