God fucking dammit has another week flown by in my inexorable march towards death? It most certainly has. While I had a moment here in my daily ass-flattening routine I thought I’d send along your new Hor-O-Skope for the lulz. Cause motherfucker, I needs my lulz, and when I needs my lulz I gets my lulz.
Aries: This week is one for you to express your masculinity. Try to fuck open a coconut.
Taurus: Since your lucky day is traditionally Friday, and today is Tuesday, stay indoors. Better yet, hide under the bed, or in an upside down bathtub. Rip your bathtub out of the wall, turn it over, and hide under it. Bring a jar to urinate and/or masturbate into.
Gemini: At some point in your day you will be inconvenienced by an ocelot. Restrain yourself from harming the thing.
Cancer: You need to focus on social energy. I don’t know what the fuck that is, but focus on it. Harder.
Leo: Just because you’re about to be homeless does not mean you’re a failure. Every door that closes opens a window! Wait…no it doesn’t.
Virgo: A hobo will punch you in the neck. You cannot stop this, as you have been chosen for hobo-punching by the hobo council. It is written.
Libra: Be certain to read up on Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, or PSAS. Trust me, after less than an hour you’ll be happy to have done so.
Scorpio: Most of the Black Eyed Peas are going to think about you, at some point today, but it won’t amount to anything. Fergie won’t though.
Sagittarius: As you are part horse and represented by fire, I’d say eat some horse, like on the hoof. Go to the track and take a chunk out of one of those fuckers. Bring a hibachi and enjoy a tasty, lucky treat.
Capricorn: I read some tea-leaves, and they said today was a good day to get involved in a hamster-throwing competition. Who’s gonna tell the tea leaves they’re wrong? Not you, prick.
Aquarius: You’re going to get hit hard by a sausage of some kind today. It may not kill you, but right before it impacts you’ll be laughing at something. Try ducking every time you laugh…it won’t help, but man it’ll be funny looking.
Pisces: Constantly worrying about how you’re perceived will result in bad things happening to you socially. Like a dog shitting in your mouth in a social setting, say brunch.
Next week: MORE OF THIS SHIT! YEEEHAW!