I recently realized that I have a tremendous gift…to read the futures of every single person in the world, in convenient 1/12th slices. So I decided that I’d offer my own horoscope…or Hor-O-Skope…to edify enlighten and otherwise embiggen the populace. Without further ado:

Aries: Today is a good day for you to root around in an old couch. There could be something cool…a rare coin, or perhaps a songbird in need of rescue. Or just ass-detritus. Can you afford not to look?

Taurus: Your energy levels will fluctuate today. Try to only ejaculate on an odd-numbered minute, or your spooge will emerge slowly and without vigor, frightening the recipient(s) of your facial. They may well flee.

Gemini: Someone will soon name a football team after you. It will make it to the playoffs in its very first year, and be terrible for decades afterwards.

Cancer: It was not something you caught off the fucking toilet, call that bastard and find out what whore he’s been fucking while you’re at pilates.

Leo: If, in the course of your day, you see a midget, offer them a candybar or high-energy snack of some kind. The results will surprise you (Hint: Abbingstay)

Virgo: You can totally pull that jump. I dare you.

Libra: Scarlett Johanssen is watching you right this second. But you will not find her…she is crafty, and possibly a sorceress.

Scorpio: In the blink of an eye your hopes will be dashed, all you have worked for will crumble to dust, and you will be left with naught but a pastrami sandwich with cole slaw on a hoagie roll. It will, surprisingly, taste delicious.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius? More like VAGittarius, am I right?

Capricorn: Today you’ll remember that thing, that happened way back in middle school, that so deeply affected you ripples of it resound to this very day, and prevent you from ever, ever wearing a strap-on dildo.

Aquarius: If you talk to someone named Freddy today, you’ll either die or find a quarter. The stars are unclear.

Pisces: Air travel suits you today. See if you can blow a pilot for free tickets. Or just someone dressed like a pilot.

Check the fuck back! I’ll post new Hor-O-Skopes every now and then, because I like to help you know exactly what’s going to happen to you based on shit that happens billions of miles away.