Piping hot and steaming with joy and other fluids is this week’s Hor-O-Skope! I consult the stars to give you insight into what’s coming up for you throughout the week, or if you’ll even survive to the next installment, which is unlikely, to be honest.

Aries: As an daring, adventurous adventurer, you will soar to unknown heights and glean insight into the nature of the universe. As a careless asshole, you will not secure the balloons correctly, and will glean insight into the process of removing fence-posts from the human spine, at least when you come to.

Taurus: Nothing good will ever happen for you. Take up something useful, like self-amputation or heroin.

Gemini: Beware shifty Philipinos. If you are Philipino, beware mirrors and family reunions. Beware!

Cancer: According to the star readings I just stepped out to make, you are a moody crab. That totally sucks. Who could tell? It’s like, hey, a crab. You don’t think “I wonder how it’s feeling?” You think “I wonder if I can catch it, boil it, crack open its exoskeleton with pliers, and dunk its tasty tasty flesh in butter, and devour that fucker?” That sucks. Cheer up, emo crab.

Leo: One thing Leos are known for is their large personalities and equally large faults. Your large fault will be that you randomly try to gouge out women’s eyes.

Virgo: If you sit in a chair facing north-northwest within five feet of a recessed window at any time in the next 77 hours, someone, somewhere, will kill a baby duck. Every time you get up and sit down again, they’ll do another duck. If you do it enough, you’ll get a decent glute and ab workout as well.

Libra: I checked with the stars, and they all say this is going to be a good week for you. Except Antares, which says you’ll be eaten by ferocious prawns. But Antares is kind of a dick.

Scorpio: This is a good week for new ventures. You should try and hire a wolverine to maul an enemy’s pet.

Sagittarius: You will run afoul of your own belief in the rightness of ritual and rules this week when you’re judged impure by an Inquisitor and pressed in the Iron Maiden for three days.

Capricorn: Mood-swings will plague you, as will aluminum-bat-swings.

Aquarius: Don’t bother contemplating how you ended up in that situation as you plummet towards the waiting pavement. Instead, try to twist around and get a view of the sky. It’s a nice view.

Pisces: You are known to be malleable and elastic. Try to flatten yourself on a newspaper and pick up a copy of an image. That would be cool.

So there you go, the world’s most reliable guide for your life, FREE, here at Babyfight.com for your enjoyment and edification. Don’t like it? Go get fucked! Love y’all!