There’s some christian group flooding my television screen with ads late at night. They show various attractive teens running around, drinking beer, laughing, dancing, having a general good time. Then it cuts, inexplicably, to one sitting alone in his car, and looking bummed out, again, for no reason. A voiceover actor then takes time out of his busy day to inform you that “god offers more” or something. ALSO that “spiritual coaches” are waiting, RIGHT NOW, to talk to you.

First of all, what the fuck. I mean really. It’s not like they show the kid smoking a crack pipe and blowing a guy for a ride to his baby-mama’s house where he pays the rent by getting his dick smashed by the buckle end of a belt. He’s running around getting wasted with hot chicks. He does a keg stand. I can imagine it would be a bit shameful to be involved in something so dude-bro douchey, but still, it’s beer, going in your facehole. That’s a good thing. So what the fuck does he have to be all introspectard about? I thought it was a “don’t drive drunk” commercial at first, and I thought “Don’t do it, guy!” and then when they revealed what that shit was I did this:

Because their premise was BULL. SHIT. It’s like showing a 7th grader who’s depressed because he fucked a teacher. That has never happened.