You know, I have a rep for being a technophile, for loving new technologies, but it’s not true. I’m a stodgy old man…when something new comes out, it takes me forever to even acknowledge it, then when I do, it’s in the form of a complete cockup. Like, imagine a new technology is a massive, sleek serpent contained in it’s cage, safe to admire and use for it’s purpose. Instead of getting a serpent and propping it’s container on my site, I have to open the cage, and confront the serpent, angrily, while still trying to use it.
“hey serpent!” I’ll yell, indignant, “what makes yoiu so great?”
“Ssssssssssssssss!” the serpent will ssss.
“Oh really?!” I squeal “Say that to my face!”
and then it bites me on the face! And suddenly, I have to battle the serpent! I’m fighting this huge, coiling beast!
Damn, I think! This friggin snake is going to eat my whole face! I’d better destroy it!
But it’s everywhere! I’m covered in snake-coils, and we’re locked in mortal combat! I am now in a situation where I might die because I was too stupid to leave the fucking snake in the cage! I am fighting for my life against this should-be-beneficial snake!

That’s how I see it anyways.

so many things happening that make me go Damn, what the fuck, damn.

BUT! Still, there are things that are to laugh. Dane Cook makes me laugh, and most everyone as well, I know, I’m late to the party. WEV! I care not! Piffle and fie on your corner-pissism. Fie I say!

Never forget Group X either:

So good. Anyways. Mark was angry at me because I did not give his Dick Cheney joke the credit it deserves, so I thought I’d do it here. MARK, you useless fucker! Your fucking Dick Cheney joke was so funny I HAD AN ANEURYSM AND DIED THEN CAME BACK SO I COULD LAUGH MORE. Also, Carol wants to destroy you at Scrabble. Don’t be angry.

That’s a fuckin Chinese aneurysm or some shit. I have to say “AN-EE-Yer-Izz-Em” or I misspell it.

UPDATE:
You know who I’d forgotten about? Curtis Armstrong(for god’s sake skip the intro)), star of Moonlighting, Revenge of the Nerds, Better Off Dead, and so many others.
Apparently he does the voice of Double-wide on Stroker & Hoop, one of the funnier Adult Swim shows out there right now. It makes a handy birthday gift on DVD in May. On the 6th. Anyways, the thing that I was wondering about was the Chinese guy in I think part 2, Nerds in Paradise, who tutored Booger on how to be as gross as possible. Ah, Snotty. He ruled:

Booger: [after walking into Snotty’s room] This place is a pig sty.
Snotty: Thank you.
Booger: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Snotty: [indifferent] Fuck you.

James Hong. Curtis Armstrong. Bow down before their combined majesty. Look at it. All that majesty. Fuckin A. I’m tearing up here at the majesty. I wrote a song:

Oh Majesty
You’ll make a woman out of me
I’ll be all I want to be

Well, I wrote three lines and thought “this song sucks”, but still, that’s more than you did, you santimonious prick.

the insane imperialism of these people is stunning…
they’ll use any threat, any lie, to maintain power.
Bush, when shit starts to hit the fan, brings out the boogeyman! Funny how it comes up when he’s being beaten badly on Medicare, Social Security, FEMA, spying, bribes, and on and on….”HEY! LOOKIE HERE! I DONE STOPPED THEM TERRISS!” then he claps his hands and dances a little hoe-down.

Check Tom Tomorrow out:

After the President’s conveniently-timed revelation about a foiled attack on Los Angeles, I contacted a few friends in the intelligence community and was able to get my hands on this IM conversation between Al Qaeda’s number two guy and Bin Laden’s second-in-command (on that org chart, everyone’s a VP).

OsamaMama : u there?
72Virgins : yeah, sup?
OsamaMama : martyr 4 life, bitch!
72Virgins : lol

Impeachment is the only option we have left.

Oh yeah….George put over $700 BILLION in the 2007 budget for privatizing Social Security. Nice huh? This after suggesting cutting the pittance for widows and widowers… a payment that has been given for 30 years, as well as cutting benefits for teenagers who lose their parents. AWESOME HUH? This is compassionate conservatism IN ACTION. ANYONE who still thinks these people in power, Bush, Cheney, all of them, are anything other than FUCKING PIRATES is BRAINDEAD. LITERALLY BRAIN DEAD.

Your past vote for Bush was a vote for fascism. I fucking hate the “well, we didn’t know” excuse. IT IS BULLSHIT. You people knew. Everything that fucking useless piece of shit ever did in his life pointed to this, and you knew it, and you ignored it because you were scared by 9/11, and you were too stupid in 2000 to know what was happening. I blame the citizens of this country for everything. Bush can’t help what he does…He’s EVIL, idiots. I blame YOU. And ME. We’re the failures here.

Fuck I”m so pissed.

I never thought I’d type that sentence, but there it is.

Garrison rocks.
So why does he still seem so small, our president? In his presidential library, he’ll be portrayed as Abraham Lincoln after Chancellorsville and FDR after Corregidor, but to most of us, the crisis in Washington today stems from a man intellectually and temperamentally unequipped to rise to the challenge. Most of us sense that when, decades from now, the story of this administration comes out, it will be one of ordinary incompetence, of rigid and incurious people overwhelmed by events in a world they don’t dare look around and see.

That’s the last paragraph of a longer piece (fair use!) and it is excellent. I love his analogies. I’d do the “click our ad” day-pass stuff. As PZ Myers, my newest god, notes, today is a good day to do it.

My car is stupid. the latest: The windows stopped rolling up. All at once, with no warning, no note, no “Sorry for the inconvenience!” sign hung on my mirror. Just pffff and gone. The valves need adjusting, as well, which is minor compared to this annoyance. The day of reckoning draws near, car. I will pray to the almighty Lobster God to take you in his briny claw and apply Holy Pinching to your sleek, sweet sheet metal…metal that hides a rotten, black soul. I will cackle and dance as Lobster God drags you to the sea…for Lobster God waves a Kindly Antenna at Schedenfreude (Mackeral 12:27)

All praise the Lobster God! Obey or die!

I bet some people think I’m harsh, or kidding, or whatever, when I say christers are crazy or delerious or ignorant. Well I’m not. They are all of that.
In the best of cases it’s a mild mental illness, which causes only slight problems with say, nudity in a movie, or a subtle stiffening of the neck when someone says “Holy fucking Jesus in a tomcat’s ass!” or the like.

Though no one has ever said that, it’s pretty funny. and it would piss off a mild xtian.

At worst, however, we have militant, angry, “thoughtful” right-wing nutjobs. While not the only nutty wing of christianity (look at some of the crap that went on in the 60’s on the left wing fringe…eek), it is the most violent by far, and the most “borg”-like of all. The rightwing nutjob “christian” wears his faith on his sleeve, and his contempt of your faith even plainer, someplace like on his hat, near the “NOTW” logo. Why, to them, it’s not even conceivable that there could be anyone who wouldn’t want to be a “christian” like them. And they’re willing to spend decades to make it come true.
If you mention Jesus in a cat’s ass of either gender to these guys you’re going to get attacked, probably with a crudely-fashioned cross made out of any nearby furniture.

The assualt on evolution, though it’s flying wildly off the mark due to the attacker’s own idiocy, is symptomatic of this particular mental illness. Evolution, of course, needs no defending…it’ll keep on doing what it does whether religious fundies like it or not. Imagine their frustration, a hundred years from now…

“Fuck,” says “Chris T Anne”, the Scientest, “we did everything we could…but look at this fucking lizard! It’s distinctly different from it’s forebears, and is more efficient at catching food! you son of a bitch lizard!”

Bonus Points! See if you can see this lizard’s adaptation for increased feeding and mating success!

Indeed, evolution is safe. our children’s heads, however, are not. I truly believe that the anti-science forces of the world would have kids reading out of textbooks that had “Leader”-like answers if they could…

Teacher: “Who makes thunder and rain?”
Student: “Jesus, ma’am”
Teacher: “Very good.”

Holy crap! Well, yes, on a lot of levels I guess, that is holy crap. but I digress. The greatest irony of the world, or at least bad coincidence…everyone misuses the term irony and I think I just did, damn my peasant brain…is that evolution works very well indeed even for the hive-mind “christians” propagating their insipid ideas about “intelligent design” and “creationism”. How cool would life be if a scientific and logical approach to life was the most important aspect of evolution? One can dream.

All these various forms of “christian” should be avoided at all cost, like a jar of spoiled mayonnaise. Actually, if you have one handy, throw it at the next evangelical you see. They probably did something to deserve it.

And if you live in the South, well…I’m sorry. You’re fucked.

Anyways, we all know how it really went down.

They want to roll us back to 1897. Fuck these people. Down with tyrants, forever and ever, ah-freakin’-men:

January 25th…vote for mc chris. You bitches know you have to. mc does more to keep us from being complete losers than any other single factor in the universe. January 25th. there will be reminders.

all i’ve been writing are depressing angry political posts, so I’m going to write something else.

i don’t feel funny today. I don’t feel all that healthy either. I feel kind of like…a squishy apple. like, you can still make delicious apfelpfannkuchen out of me, but you couldn’t just take a bite.

In apple-related news, Apple computer released new iMacs with Intel processors, and the worst-named Apple laptop of all time, the fucking MacBook Pro.

I don’t know why, but that name fucking pisses me off so bad. It’s supposedly a pretty good laptop. It’s the first portable with the Intel “dual core” processors. They say it’s four times faster than the same clock speed PowerPC laptops, which makes me wonder why they claimed the PowerPC laptops were faster than the Pentiums.
Hm.
Are you a bottom or a top?

Gotta love it.

Number One story no one wants to talk about: Medicare is fucking killing people thanks to Bush. His half-assed attempts to add money to the pockets of Big Pharma, hell anyone you can add a “Big” in front of (with the exception of Big Labor), have resulted in a cockup of enormous proportions. Though I can’t find news of anyone dying because of it, it’s not working how they said it would. People are not eligible, in some cases, for drugs they’ve received for years. It’s pissing people off, too. This can be a major issue to wake people up about the crapfactory they’ve allowed to be built in Washington. The “I vote GOP because I always have” mentality might just take a blast in the face, here, because this is ALL GOP.

Abramoff will hopefully add more fuel to the already-large “GOP Corruption” fire burning. Don’t forget “Duke”! He’s up for sentencing soon. Gotta keep his ugly bribe-taking mug in the news.

God these fucking corrupt pricks fill me with rage. Hmm…something funny. Shit. I can’t think of anything. sigh

Bush sez: “I was elected to protect the American people from harm.”

What a load of horsehit. Of course, in this context he’s justifying warrantless, unaccountable spying on civilians. Basically spying by executive order, ergo, dictatorship. Not far up the slope from “disappearing” dissidents, or mass graves in the desert.

Of course it’s a violation of the law, and of course, one-party Republican strokers are falling all over themselves explaining how Dear Leader has every right to spy on whomever he chooses, regardless of the situation, because it’s a “national security” issue. Talk about originalists. These people are original totalitarians.

But back to the “I was elected to protect the American people from harm” comment. As a matter of fact, no. No you were not. Here’s the oath he swore:

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

Note he’s defending the fucking Constitution, as befits the Chief Executive of the United States. It’s good of them to do their utmost to protect us as well, but I’d feel more secure if the President was protecting the Constitution, as his job description states. We have institutions to protect us, institutions that work best when pestered by citizens. Frankly, I don’t think Bush has time to protect me and do the rest of his work, right? He’d be following me everywhere. That would get annoying too. I’m betting there’d be an assload of Secret Service guys and reporters too. Then there’s the other 300 million people who need protecting. He’d be stretched pretty thin.

Thus, I’ll lean on the police for basic deterrence, and my own wits and feet for the rest of it. I expect a lot of you do the same.

Digby, as usual, has an excellent post explaining some hilarious parts of the macho GOP’s complicity in granting Emperor Bush complete power…here’s the end of it:

Very moving, no? All those fine words about the rule of law safeguarding our liberties, the arbitrary exercise of power and Bunker Hill, Lexington and Normandy went right out the window on 9/11. That was when Henry and the rest of his stalwart defenders of the rule of law promptly wet their pants and then let their president use the constitution to clean up the puddle.

Go read digby, and give him money, he’s worth every penny.