last night was by far the worst. i read some things i shouldn’t have, and thought things i didn’t need to think, and ended up feeling nauseous all night and angry and lonely. it was stupid. its stupid watching all my friends swoop around her like freakin vultures, and all the shit i know they’re talking…they’re her friends too, they want her to feel better. still hurts. i don’t do that.
it’s stupid beyond belief to talk to women. i’m not doing it. they’re either stupid, scarred, scared or scumbags. or all four. i don’t want to do it, i don’t want to ever open up again, i don’t want to deal with it, i’m through.
the worst of it was not that intellectually anything changed. everything i felt was animal and out of control. all of my justifications meant little to nothing, and all of my well-thought-out reasons were like billboards along the route of a cattle stampede. right now i can think of all the reasons why this or that, but last night my head just kept bowing as if her hand were pushing it lower. i was, and still am, feeling hollowed out and somehow insubstantial. disconcerting is a good word for these feelings.
i hope leaving tomorrow will begin the process of healing myself. forced isolation sounds like it will hurt quite a lot. i really need to not read those things ever again, but i feel like i’m going to do it right now. oy. incompetent spellers insulting someone they never met (me) is a great way to pass the time. ah well, life is pain, then you’re pushed off a cliff. at least the end is usually exciting.

to complete shutdowns, to just ending everything you can
there’s a purity to it. you have but one response. there’s not justifications, no weighing alternatives, no thinking necessary. you just act as you decided you should act, and that’s how it works. decisions being a removal of other options, you are left with pure doin’s, and you’re happy. or at least you’re not in painful throes of self-doubt and self-hatred.
i spent a long time doubting myself for my perceptions and hating myself for being too weak to make hard decisions, as well as allowing myself to be played like a fool. recent events validated my decisions, and i feel like a better person, i feel like, thought it was a pain-sandwich with extra pain on the side, i still did what i needed to do for joy, for being a happy person.
i’m still hurting, but i can see a light at the top of the pit. ultimately i’ll be better, stronger, happier for it all. it’s good.
in the meantime it’s kinda like hanging onto slippery rocks in a pounding surf. you get your ass kicked by rogue waves, slip and hurt your hands and knees, and random fish get stuck in your pants. its okay. one fuckin slippery rock at a time. if it don’t make it, tough titty for me i guess. i’ll still punch a clock.

the Israelis are bombing the shit out of the lebanese and the palestinians. war may be on its way full-scale. and guess who’s got several hundred thousand troops hanging around? yo.
scary fucking times we’re living in

right now i’m wounded and feeling very much like a broken man, held together by the tenuous strands of responsibility and the atheism that tells me this is the only ride i get, so hang on even if it’s sucking at the moment.

whenever things get too bad, though, i’m able to garner comfort from those words that have run through the ages, words of infalible wisdom and joy, coming from the great cosmos into the soul of every man and woman.

i speak of course, of Tenacious D.

How’s it goin’?
[sung]
That’s the first thin’ I say to you.
How’s it goin’? Are you flowin’?
Listen honey,
Thinkin’ ’bout a couple things to say to you,
Showin’, growin’,
Man I’d like to place my hand
upon your fuckin’ sexy ass and squeeze.
And squeeze!

[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!
[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!

Hail Satan, brothers.

HEY: How come no one told me about THIS?! I may yet have a reason not to kill myself.

that last post was awful

here’s some more!

20 entries found for lonely.

Main Entry: lonely
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: forlorn
Synonyms: abandoned, alone, apart, bummed out, by oneself, comfortless, companionless, deserted, desolate, destitute, disconsolate, down, empty, estranged, forsaken, friendless, godforsaken, homeless, isolated, left, lone, lonesome, outcast, reclusive, rejected, renounced, secluded, single, solitary, troglodytic, unattended, unbefriended, uncherished, unsocial, withdrawn
Antonyms: sociable
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: lonely
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: out-of-the-way
Synonyms: alone, deserted, desolate, devious, godforsaken, isolated, obscure, private, quiet, remote, removed, retired, secluded, secret, sequestered, solitary, unfrequented, uninhabited
Antonyms: populous
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: alone
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: separate
Synonyms: abandoned, apart, batching it*, by itself, companionless, deserted, desolate, detached, forlorn, forsaken, friendless, hermit, in solitary*, individual, isolated, lone, lonely, lonesome, onliest*, only, shag*, single, sole, solitary, solo, stag, traveling light*, unaccompanied, unaided, unassisted, unattached, unattended, unescorted, unmarried, widowed
Antonyms: accompanied, crowded, grouped, mobbed, together
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

Main Entry: bleak
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: depressing
Synonyms: black, cheerless, comfortless, dark, discouraging, disheartening, dismal, drear, dreary, funereal, gloomy, grim, hard, harsh, hopeless, joyless, lonely, melancholy, oppressive, sad, somber, unpromising
Antonyms: bright, cheery, encouraging, hopeful, sunny
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: desert
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: barren
Synonyms: arid, bare, desolate, infertile, lonely, solitary, uncultivated, uninhabited, unproductive, untilled, waste, wild
Antonyms: cultivated, fertile, productive
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: deserted
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: abandoned
Synonyms: bare, barren, bereft, cast off, derelict, desolate, empty, forlorn, forsaken, godforsaken*, isolated, left, left stranded, lonely, lorn, neglected, relinquished, solitary, uncouth, uninhabited, unoccupied, vacant
Antonyms: crowded, inhabited, mobbed, populated
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

Main Entry: desolate
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: barren
Synonyms: abandoned, bare, bleak, derelict, desert, destroyed, dreary, empty, forsaken, godforsaken*, isolated, lonely, lonesome, lorn, ruined, solitary, uncouth, unfrequented, uninhabited, unoccupied, unused, vacant, waste, wild
Antonyms: crowded, inhabited, mobbed, populated
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

Main Entry: desolate
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: depressed
Synonyms: abandoned, acheronian, bereft, black, bleak, blue, blue funk, cheerless, comfortless, companionless, dejected, depressing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, dolorous, down, downcast, forlorn, forsaken, funereal, gloomy, hurting, in pain, inconsolable, joyless, lonely, lonesome, melancholy, miserable, somber, tragic, wretched
Antonyms: cheerful, comforted, happy
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: dreary
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: gloomy
Synonyms: black, blah, bleak, boring, cheerless, colorless, comfortless, damp, depressing, depressive, dingy, dismal, dispiriting, doleful, downcast, drab, dull, forlorn, funereal, glum, humdrum, joyless, lifeless, lonely, lonesome, melancholy, monotonous, mournful, oppressive, pedestrian, raw, routine, sad, somber, sorrowful, tedious, uneventful, uninteresting, wearisome, windy, wintry, wretched
Antonyms: bright, cheerful, cheery, clear, light, pleasant, sunny
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: forlorn
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: hopeless
Synonyms: abandoned, alone, bereft, blue*, cheerless, comfortless, cynical, defenseless, depressed, deserted, desolate, despairing, desperate, despondent, destitute, destroyed, disconsolate, dragging*, forgotten, forsaken, friendless, fruitless, futile, godforsaken*, helpless, homeless, inconsolable, lonely, lonesome, lost, miserable, oppressed, pathetic, pessimistic, pitiable, pitiful, solitary, tragic, unhappy, vain, weighed down, woebegone, wretched
Antonyms: cheerful, hopeful
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

other people thought of this too
this shit is why it was a bad idea for me to stop reading literature and concentrate on politics. now i’m berefted-up and unequipped to deal with it. anyone got any suggestions?

le sigh

in front of their own mama
to get a ten speed

watching aqua teen and enjoying. i’m a lonely, lonely person right now

even the sad sorry satisfaction of winning a small poker tournament eludes me. the work and struggle of the last 5 and three quarters years has fallen into tiny, sad bits. i’m all done. i’m not thinking i have anything left, i’m just signing checks and making top ramen from now on. just a sad, fallen over cardboard cutout of me is what i have left.
i hope i have something left to be a dad with

what a sorry mess

Here is yet another story about how Bush and his cronies are fucking our military sqaure in its oddly receptive manhole. Letting hotemongering groups in due to recruiting shortfalls. The SPLC quoted a DOD source saying “We’ve got Aryan Nations graffiti in Baghdad.” This in addition to the fact that we’re committed all over the globe, our training centers are infested with evangelicals harassing Jewish and non-christianist students (this is where our military leaders come from, remember), Duke and his pals fucking with the appropriations committee to enrich themselves, and the simple fact that hundreds of thousands of Americans are in a situation right this second where they could be killed at any time. Here’s a Google News search for “U.S. military scandal”. There’s some crap in there I’d forgotten about.

So we have an overcommitted, poorly supplied, understaffed, endangered military being inflitrated by groups whose loyalty does not lie with their country but with ideologically extreme groups. Who’s that sound like? Hmmm…two guesses, and if you don’t say “IRAQ!” right away, I’m going to come over and chide you. And don’t flip out, if anyone reads this with a flag sticking out of their ass. I don’t mean that the US military is as incompetent or lazy or corrupt as the Iraqi military. YET. We are letting Bush & Co. DESTROY OUR NATION’S MILITARY. Some of you may go, “Sweet!” but I’m not one of them. I am in favor of a smaller military, but it’s impossible to see a world without some credible threat of force to keep the worst douchebags away.

So, the Bushinskis, and the Clintons and Old Bushes and creaky evil Lich Reagan are killing our military through massive pig-feeding of contractors, overcommittment, under-training and under-staffing and under-funding. All of that leads to infections, such as the hate-mongers infiltrating (“Maybe in the thousands” says the article) and the religionists harassing, which are a precursor to the death of the body. I despair that there is anyone left who knows how to honestly and honorably run a public concern. The level of incompetence spread by this bumbling, treasonous administration is leaking down into all levels of society.

I guess everything will either break or keep slowly devolving, unless some real competent people get involved.

An aside:
Hey, if you think that we need a huge military to fight terrorists, what about the worst of the lot, Osama bin Laden (well, presumably. I think he’s fighting because first the Soviets, then we, tried to horn in on his family’s oil construction business. Read Greg Palast’s Armed Madhouse for more info on that subject)? Palast notes that in 2003 the Bush admin gave Osama exactly what he’d been asking for, attacking and killing people for, as stated loudly on his communications: US Withdrawal from Saudi Arabia. That, and (as Palast calls it) and “Islamic Oil Caliphate”, is Osama’s goal, and thanks to Bush cutting and running in Saudia Arabia (an historic event which we haerd hardly a whisper of in the US), Osama is halfway there. Repeat: Osama demanded that the US get out of Saudia Arabia since 1996, and in 2003, George Bush complied with his demands. Look it up.

I’d really, really recommend getting a copy of Greg Palast’s Armed Madhouse, and his other stuff too. He’s a good read, logical, clear, and comes from a statistics background. Anyone I know around here can borrow my copy if they’d like.

weird things going on in the werld. its a weird werld. werd.

so much pain i’m in pain all over. its just pain of various types. i’ll focus on one and it will eventually fade and i’ll think, finally, and then realize i’d been focusing so intently on that one I missed the others

just more and more pain

i wish now as much as i ever have that i could just turn off my brain, turn it to standby or something, it never shuts up, constantly exploring the hurting parts

pain in my stupid body, pain in my stupid brain, pain in my stupid soul, what a whiny melodramatic fucker i’ve turned into. i suppose it will only get worse as age tears me to pieces and folds me up, i’ll get more piteous and deranged and sooner or later blame all misfortunes on others, on family and friends and whoever, until i’ve alienated everyone and shuffle around in some stinking old house, maybe the one i’m in now, alone but for some shitty pet.

waaaaah

you know what i haven’t called anyone in a long time? A “dudette”. did anyone ever use that word as anything other than a funny companion to “dudes”, as in “Dudes and dudettes, this is my penis” or that sort of thing? It seems to not stand well on its own. I don’t know if i for one ever called someone a “dudette” simply as a nickname or friendly diminutive or whathaveyou.

by the way, dudette.com is taken.

you know what’s embarrassing? Astrology. I mean, we’ve got enough things to be embarrassed about as merkins, with a dope in the white house, a creep in the VP office, and a bunch of various geeks, kooks and spooks everywhere else, but to have to listen to people defend astrology as anything other than first-class crackpottery makes me simply pissed off beyond belief, ready to fling clay pots full of flaming pitch at the nearest trireme. read that article in the link. you’ll see some of what i’m talking about. it’s mostly come up since Jerome Armstrong, a major netroots Dem/liberal player, was outed as something of a astrology lover and has been widely denounced by the (mainly christian, go figure) right as well as some of the left. on top of the fact that i’m taking orders on what to put on my blog from markos, i’m now a believer in astrology since jerome likes it. and i bought his book.

fuckin’ a. you know, just as i know plenty of otherwise smart, even brilliant people who have what i consider to be a fucking massive hole in their brains where they pour god-thoughts, i know lots of smart even brilliant people who believe other retarded shit as well. i have a lot of trouble with the folks who believe the earth is 6,000 years old, dinosaur bones were scooped from an alien planet by a star-hoppin jesus to vex us, and that life begins at conception (my ass it does) telling anyone anything ever about kooky beliefs. you know how you answer that? “Hey, you, i think your biorythym scroll is stupid!” “oh yeah? well i BELIEVE it, so stick a fork in your own ass right now”. Just like random douchebag christians can simply say “i believe it happened” and end the argument, because, fuck, they’re nuts, any random astrology retard can pull the same shit.

i think they’re all fucking fruitier then fruitcakes, in any event. doesn’t mean i’m going to stop talking to friends/relations/door-to-door salesmen who have some broken part of their cortex that lets invisible men in the sky in. there’ll just always be a part of me laughing and pointing. That part will be inside, where it’s safe and jesus can’t hear me. stupid eavesdropping jesus! i wish he’d never come here in his spaceship!