i’m a happy little girl
i’m the happiest little girl in a white dress in the world, i’m skipping around throwing flowers out of a basket

i’ve written two songs in two days, after not having written anything in years. like 5 years…coincidence? who knows.
i’m feeling energized even though it’s over 100 here and we have no AC. apparently while i was gone the temps in Esco topped 115, setting a record. that’s Baker heat.
I came to a realization while travelling through Utah and Nevada…parts of this country are fucking UGLY. There are some bits that are ruggedly beautiful, but also freaking ugly. St. George Utah is one such place. it looks like someone just had a handful of model railroad shrubs and let an arthritic baby pile up sand and scatter junked cars and walmarts around.
there’s a stretch of road that is so abandoned it’s stupid, and as you’re going along this craptacular dirt fest, you crest a slight rise and see the biggest stinking warehouse ever. it’s got to be a mile long, and it’s got a big fat “Wal Mart” on the side of it, and hundreds of semis and trailers clustering like sperm on an egg around its many cargo doors.
there’s a spot right outside the virgin river gorge that is just awful. it’s a long, dirty sprawled out spray of litter and trailers and fireworks shops randomly interspersed with microwave and cell phone towers. we still got shit for service too. when you first emerge from the gorge and look to your left you’ll see a single, ramshackle joint leaning on the slop from the mountains, looking for all the world that it’s preparing to jump to its long-awaited death. i tried my damnedest to imagine people living in baker, or beaver, or salinas, or any of those shit hole towns along the I-15 or 70, and i couldn’t do it. even here, in san marcos, which is kind of an asshole of a town, or escondido, which is fucking unbelievably hot, i couldn’t figure it out. i’d rather deal with the traffic. i guess there’s a special kind of person that can live in that sort of desolation. The gorge itself is beautiful….everything around it looks like shit to me.

i just went and got a portable AC unit for the art room. our landlord, who is a gigantic douchebag of quivering proportions, has failed to fix our AC for at least 3 weeks. i suggested not paying any fuckin rent. people who don’t fix AC units during heatwaves deserve to have their eyeballs removed with salad tongs and fried up into tasty eye-fritters.
the thing is buzzing along happily behind me, and i can even now feel some cooling going on. i didn’t actually mind the heat so much, but my office mate gets kind of whiny. i think i’ll get some delicious lunch.

i’m in the wilderness literally and abstractly. i have trouble getting to sleep. there’s rodents in my 100-year-old cabin, and they can make weird noises. there was a bizarre moment last night where a coyote was yelping in a repetitive fashion, and an owl started hooting over it, and they combined to make a noise which i had no mental place for.
the air mattress i have is a cruel joke. it has about a 3 hour leak…long enough for me to fall asleep, after dozens of games of solitaire (oh, the symbolism is rich) but not long enough to get any kind of sleep. i wake up after a couple hours with my ass on the ground and my head jackknifed up on my pillow. its beautiful
i saw a female turkey with three babies. what’s a baby turkey called? i bet you’d all imagine that i’d know that already. stupid dial-up connection makes me dumber.
i’ve seen deer and hawks. the pond up the draw from the cabin has many little green and brown frogs in it. we hiked up there and brought some frog-catching gear, to show the kiddos. our planning was not perfect. the fishing net i brought had mesh too large for the small frogs. my brother and i tried to double team the frogs by using a badminton racquet to fling one gently up into the sky and catch it. tip: if someone tells you this plan, be the recquet man. the catcher gets faces full of mud, algae, and anything else in the pond immediately around the frog that gets flung. add to that the difficulty in judging the force necessary to gently fling a frog that weighs an ounce or two at most, and you have a recipe for everyone around you laughing their asses off. amazingly, we did manage to catch a number of frogs, though none on the fly. my brother nailed me right on the palm with a larger model, but here’s the final piece of the puzzle we hadn’t considered (among many): frogs are slippery as hell. chris fired this frog over (one about three times bigger than any of the others) and it slapped right into my palm. as i tried to close on it, it SHPLOOP fires out of my hand, pulls a couple open field juke moves on me and bang, is home free in the pond.
it’s really hard to not type “frongs” instead of frogs. i don’t know what a frong is. charles is a frong.

last night was by far the worst. i read some things i shouldn’t have, and thought things i didn’t need to think, and ended up feeling nauseous all night and angry and lonely. it was stupid. its stupid watching all my friends swoop around her like freakin vultures, and all the shit i know they’re talking…they’re her friends too, they want her to feel better. still hurts. i don’t do that.
it’s stupid beyond belief to talk to women. i’m not doing it. they’re either stupid, scarred, scared or scumbags. or all four. i don’t want to do it, i don’t want to ever open up again, i don’t want to deal with it, i’m through.
the worst of it was not that intellectually anything changed. everything i felt was animal and out of control. all of my justifications meant little to nothing, and all of my well-thought-out reasons were like billboards along the route of a cattle stampede. right now i can think of all the reasons why this or that, but last night my head just kept bowing as if her hand were pushing it lower. i was, and still am, feeling hollowed out and somehow insubstantial. disconcerting is a good word for these feelings.
i hope leaving tomorrow will begin the process of healing myself. forced isolation sounds like it will hurt quite a lot. i really need to not read those things ever again, but i feel like i’m going to do it right now. oy. incompetent spellers insulting someone they never met (me) is a great way to pass the time. ah well, life is pain, then you’re pushed off a cliff. at least the end is usually exciting.

to complete shutdowns, to just ending everything you can
there’s a purity to it. you have but one response. there’s not justifications, no weighing alternatives, no thinking necessary. you just act as you decided you should act, and that’s how it works. decisions being a removal of other options, you are left with pure doin’s, and you’re happy. or at least you’re not in painful throes of self-doubt and self-hatred.
i spent a long time doubting myself for my perceptions and hating myself for being too weak to make hard decisions, as well as allowing myself to be played like a fool. recent events validated my decisions, and i feel like a better person, i feel like, thought it was a pain-sandwich with extra pain on the side, i still did what i needed to do for joy, for being a happy person.
i’m still hurting, but i can see a light at the top of the pit. ultimately i’ll be better, stronger, happier for it all. it’s good.
in the meantime it’s kinda like hanging onto slippery rocks in a pounding surf. you get your ass kicked by rogue waves, slip and hurt your hands and knees, and random fish get stuck in your pants. its okay. one fuckin slippery rock at a time. if it don’t make it, tough titty for me i guess. i’ll still punch a clock.

the Israelis are bombing the shit out of the lebanese and the palestinians. war may be on its way full-scale. and guess who’s got several hundred thousand troops hanging around? yo.
scary fucking times we’re living in

right now i’m wounded and feeling very much like a broken man, held together by the tenuous strands of responsibility and the atheism that tells me this is the only ride i get, so hang on even if it’s sucking at the moment.

whenever things get too bad, though, i’m able to garner comfort from those words that have run through the ages, words of infalible wisdom and joy, coming from the great cosmos into the soul of every man and woman.

i speak of course, of Tenacious D.

How’s it goin’?
[sung]
That’s the first thin’ I say to you.
How’s it goin’? Are you flowin’?
Listen honey,
Thinkin’ ’bout a couple things to say to you,
Showin’, growin’,
Man I’d like to place my hand
upon your fuckin’ sexy ass and squeeze.
And squeeze!

[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!
[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!

Hail Satan, brothers.

HEY: How come no one told me about THIS?! I may yet have a reason not to kill myself.

that last post was awful

here’s some more!

20 entries found for lonely.

Main Entry: lonely
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: forlorn
Synonyms: abandoned, alone, apart, bummed out, by oneself, comfortless, companionless, deserted, desolate, destitute, disconsolate, down, empty, estranged, forsaken, friendless, godforsaken, homeless, isolated, left, lone, lonesome, outcast, reclusive, rejected, renounced, secluded, single, solitary, troglodytic, unattended, unbefriended, uncherished, unsocial, withdrawn
Antonyms: sociable
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: lonely
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: out-of-the-way
Synonyms: alone, deserted, desolate, devious, godforsaken, isolated, obscure, private, quiet, remote, removed, retired, secluded, secret, sequestered, solitary, unfrequented, uninhabited
Antonyms: populous
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: alone
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: separate
Synonyms: abandoned, apart, batching it*, by itself, companionless, deserted, desolate, detached, forlorn, forsaken, friendless, hermit, in solitary*, individual, isolated, lone, lonely, lonesome, onliest*, only, shag*, single, sole, solitary, solo, stag, traveling light*, unaccompanied, unaided, unassisted, unattached, unattended, unescorted, unmarried, widowed
Antonyms: accompanied, crowded, grouped, mobbed, together
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

Main Entry: bleak
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: depressing
Synonyms: black, cheerless, comfortless, dark, discouraging, disheartening, dismal, drear, dreary, funereal, gloomy, grim, hard, harsh, hopeless, joyless, lonely, melancholy, oppressive, sad, somber, unpromising
Antonyms: bright, cheery, encouraging, hopeful, sunny
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: desert
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: barren
Synonyms: arid, bare, desolate, infertile, lonely, solitary, uncultivated, uninhabited, unproductive, untilled, waste, wild
Antonyms: cultivated, fertile, productive
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: deserted
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: abandoned
Synonyms: bare, barren, bereft, cast off, derelict, desolate, empty, forlorn, forsaken, godforsaken*, isolated, left, left stranded, lonely, lorn, neglected, relinquished, solitary, uncouth, uninhabited, unoccupied, vacant
Antonyms: crowded, inhabited, mobbed, populated
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

Main Entry: desolate
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: barren
Synonyms: abandoned, bare, bleak, derelict, desert, destroyed, dreary, empty, forsaken, godforsaken*, isolated, lonely, lonesome, lorn, ruined, solitary, uncouth, unfrequented, uninhabited, unoccupied, unused, vacant, waste, wild
Antonyms: crowded, inhabited, mobbed, populated
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

Main Entry: desolate
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: depressed
Synonyms: abandoned, acheronian, bereft, black, bleak, blue, blue funk, cheerless, comfortless, companionless, dejected, depressing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, dolorous, down, downcast, forlorn, forsaken, funereal, gloomy, hurting, in pain, inconsolable, joyless, lonely, lonesome, melancholy, miserable, somber, tragic, wretched
Antonyms: cheerful, comforted, happy
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: dreary
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: gloomy
Synonyms: black, blah, bleak, boring, cheerless, colorless, comfortless, damp, depressing, depressive, dingy, dismal, dispiriting, doleful, downcast, drab, dull, forlorn, funereal, glum, humdrum, joyless, lifeless, lonely, lonesome, melancholy, monotonous, mournful, oppressive, pedestrian, raw, routine, sad, somber, sorrowful, tedious, uneventful, uninteresting, wearisome, windy, wintry, wretched
Antonyms: bright, cheerful, cheery, clear, light, pleasant, sunny
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: forlorn
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: hopeless
Synonyms: abandoned, alone, bereft, blue*, cheerless, comfortless, cynical, defenseless, depressed, deserted, desolate, despairing, desperate, despondent, destitute, destroyed, disconsolate, dragging*, forgotten, forsaken, friendless, fruitless, futile, godforsaken*, helpless, homeless, inconsolable, lonely, lonesome, lost, miserable, oppressed, pathetic, pessimistic, pitiable, pitiful, solitary, tragic, unhappy, vain, weighed down, woebegone, wretched
Antonyms: cheerful, hopeful
Source: Roget’s New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang

other people thought of this too
this shit is why it was a bad idea for me to stop reading literature and concentrate on politics. now i’m berefted-up and unequipped to deal with it. anyone got any suggestions?

le sigh

in front of their own mama
to get a ten speed

watching aqua teen and enjoying. i’m a lonely, lonely person right now

even the sad sorry satisfaction of winning a small poker tournament eludes me. the work and struggle of the last 5 and three quarters years has fallen into tiny, sad bits. i’m all done. i’m not thinking i have anything left, i’m just signing checks and making top ramen from now on. just a sad, fallen over cardboard cutout of me is what i have left.
i hope i have something left to be a dad with

what a sorry mess

Here is yet another story about how Bush and his cronies are fucking our military sqaure in its oddly receptive manhole. Letting hotemongering groups in due to recruiting shortfalls. The SPLC quoted a DOD source saying “We’ve got Aryan Nations graffiti in Baghdad.” This in addition to the fact that we’re committed all over the globe, our training centers are infested with evangelicals harassing Jewish and non-christianist students (this is where our military leaders come from, remember), Duke and his pals fucking with the appropriations committee to enrich themselves, and the simple fact that hundreds of thousands of Americans are in a situation right this second where they could be killed at any time. Here’s a Google News search for “U.S. military scandal”. There’s some crap in there I’d forgotten about.

So we have an overcommitted, poorly supplied, understaffed, endangered military being inflitrated by groups whose loyalty does not lie with their country but with ideologically extreme groups. Who’s that sound like? Hmmm…two guesses, and if you don’t say “IRAQ!” right away, I’m going to come over and chide you. And don’t flip out, if anyone reads this with a flag sticking out of their ass. I don’t mean that the US military is as incompetent or lazy or corrupt as the Iraqi military. YET. We are letting Bush & Co. DESTROY OUR NATION’S MILITARY. Some of you may go, “Sweet!” but I’m not one of them. I am in favor of a smaller military, but it’s impossible to see a world without some credible threat of force to keep the worst douchebags away.

So, the Bushinskis, and the Clintons and Old Bushes and creaky evil Lich Reagan are killing our military through massive pig-feeding of contractors, overcommittment, under-training and under-staffing and under-funding. All of that leads to infections, such as the hate-mongers infiltrating (“Maybe in the thousands” says the article) and the religionists harassing, which are a precursor to the death of the body. I despair that there is anyone left who knows how to honestly and honorably run a public concern. The level of incompetence spread by this bumbling, treasonous administration is leaking down into all levels of society.

I guess everything will either break or keep slowly devolving, unless some real competent people get involved.

An aside:
Hey, if you think that we need a huge military to fight terrorists, what about the worst of the lot, Osama bin Laden (well, presumably. I think he’s fighting because first the Soviets, then we, tried to horn in on his family’s oil construction business. Read Greg Palast’s Armed Madhouse for more info on that subject)? Palast notes that in 2003 the Bush admin gave Osama exactly what he’d been asking for, attacking and killing people for, as stated loudly on his communications: US Withdrawal from Saudi Arabia. That, and (as Palast calls it) and “Islamic Oil Caliphate”, is Osama’s goal, and thanks to Bush cutting and running in Saudia Arabia (an historic event which we haerd hardly a whisper of in the US), Osama is halfway there. Repeat: Osama demanded that the US get out of Saudia Arabia since 1996, and in 2003, George Bush complied with his demands. Look it up.

I’d really, really recommend getting a copy of Greg Palast’s Armed Madhouse, and his other stuff too. He’s a good read, logical, clear, and comes from a statistics background. Anyone I know around here can borrow my copy if they’d like.