God fucking dammit has another week flown by in my inexorable march towards death? It most certainly has. While I had a moment here in my daily ass-flattening routine I thought I’d send along your new Hor-O-Skope for the lulz. Cause motherfucker, I needs my lulz, and when I needs my lulz I gets my lulz.

Aries: This week is one for you to express your masculinity. Try to fuck open a coconut.

Taurus: Since your lucky day is traditionally Friday, and today is Tuesday, stay indoors. Better yet, hide under the bed, or in an upside down bathtub. Rip your bathtub out of the wall, turn it over, and hide under it. Bring a jar to urinate and/or masturbate into.

Gemini: At some point in your day you will be inconvenienced by an ocelot. Restrain yourself from harming the thing.

Cancer: You need to focus on social energy. I don’t know what the fuck that is, but focus on it. Harder.

Leo: Just because you’re about to be homeless does not mean you’re a failure. Every door that closes opens a window! Wait…no it doesn’t.

Virgo: A hobo will punch you in the neck. You cannot stop this, as you have been chosen for hobo-punching by the hobo council. It is written.

Libra: Be certain to read up on Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, or PSAS. Trust me, after less than an hour you’ll be happy to have done so.

Scorpio: Most of the Black Eyed Peas are going to think about you, at some point today, but it won’t amount to anything. Fergie won’t though.

Sagittarius: As you are part horse and represented by fire, I’d say eat some horse, like on the hoof. Go to the track and take a chunk out of one of those fuckers. Bring a hibachi and enjoy a tasty, lucky treat.

Capricorn: I read some tea-leaves, and they said today was a good day to get involved in a hamster-throwing competition. Who’s gonna tell the tea leaves they’re wrong? Not you, prick.

Aquarius: You’re going to get hit hard by a sausage of some kind today. It may not kill you, but right before it impacts you’ll be laughing at something. Try ducking every time you laugh…it won’t help, but man it’ll be funny looking.

Pisces: Constantly worrying about how you’re perceived will result in bad things happening to you socially. Like a dog shitting in your mouth in a social setting, say brunch.

Next week: MORE OF THIS SHIT! YEEEHAW!

I recently realized that I have a tremendous gift…to read the futures of every single person in the world, in convenient 1/12th slices. So I decided that I’d offer my own horoscope…or Hor-O-Skope…to edify enlighten and otherwise embiggen the populace. Without further ado:

Aries: Today is a good day for you to root around in an old couch. There could be something cool…a rare coin, or perhaps a songbird in need of rescue. Or just ass-detritus. Can you afford not to look?

Taurus: Your energy levels will fluctuate today. Try to only ejaculate on an odd-numbered minute, or your spooge will emerge slowly and without vigor, frightening the recipient(s) of your facial. They may well flee.

Gemini: Someone will soon name a football team after you. It will make it to the playoffs in its very first year, and be terrible for decades afterwards.

Cancer: It was not something you caught off the fucking toilet, call that bastard and find out what whore he’s been fucking while you’re at pilates.

Leo: If, in the course of your day, you see a midget, offer them a candybar or high-energy snack of some kind. The results will surprise you (Hint: Abbingstay)

Virgo: You can totally pull that jump. I dare you.

Libra: Scarlett Johanssen is watching you right this second. But you will not find her…she is crafty, and possibly a sorceress.

Scorpio: In the blink of an eye your hopes will be dashed, all you have worked for will crumble to dust, and you will be left with naught but a pastrami sandwich with cole slaw on a hoagie roll. It will, surprisingly, taste delicious.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius? More like VAGittarius, am I right?

Capricorn: Today you’ll remember that thing, that happened way back in middle school, that so deeply affected you ripples of it resound to this very day, and prevent you from ever, ever wearing a strap-on dildo.

Aquarius: If you talk to someone named Freddy today, you’ll either die or find a quarter. The stars are unclear.

Pisces: Air travel suits you today. See if you can blow a pilot for free tickets. Or just someone dressed like a pilot.

Check the fuck back! I’ll post new Hor-O-Skopes every now and then, because I like to help you know exactly what’s going to happen to you based on shit that happens billions of miles away.