I read em Garth… read em both….
but then again… I have no life
but such is me.

i’m sitting here wearing a cowboy hat with a skull on it watching Steven Wright on Comedy Central and reading TPM Muckraker and wondering, “why don’t we have a database that can accurately correlate congressional moves with the amount of money a given congresscritter has received from the relevant mover or shaker in regards to legislation or investigation?”
I wish i was making that up.
but seriously, you think that any such program would come up with anything other than “Republicans are fucking terrified to their cores that Dems could gain control of the House or Senate and gain subpoena power in ethics/corruption/intern-fucking investigations”.

I don’t think that it would.

Steven Wright just said he had a job at a pet store and one day they fired him because they had three snakes…and one day he braided them.

that would be three pissed off snakes.

i don’t think my forums readers read my front page, and i don’t think my front page readers read my forums. it causes me to stay up late at night weeping, weeping hot fat tears of dismay.

PS: I did a goog for “hot tears of dismay” with the quotes and everything and got a big fat NOTHING. I think it’s incumbent on everyone I know to link to this post to give me the only googsult on “hot tears of dismay” because it would make me so fucking happy. i’m only #1 on “babyfight”. That’s fucked up. who searches for babyfight? that’s kind of why I bought it, but still. my own desires should be trumped by my later desires, that’s easy to understand. it’s like a yeti wearing a tophat at the ball, of course he wants to be accepted. he didn’t ask to be a yeti.

well, i’m not saying i’m a yeti, or that i didn’t buy babyfight.com on purpose, however misguided. but still. think of the poor sad yeti. he just wants to go to the cotillion.

Almost forgot!

You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You’re not like the other people, here, in the trailer park.

Oh, don’t go get me wrong. They’re fine people, they’re good Americans. But they’re content to sit back, maybe
watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They’re good, fine people,
Stuart. But they don’t know … what the queers are doing to the soil!

You know that Johnny Worster kid, the kid that delivers papers in the neighborhood. He’s a fine kid. Some of the neighbors
say he smokes crack, but I don’t believe it.

Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a Burrow Owl. Kept bugging his old man. “Dad, get me a burrow owl. I’ll never ask for anything else as long as I live.” So the guy breaks down and buys him a burrow owl.

Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there’s the Worster kid, looking up in the tree. I say, “What are
you looking for?” He says “I’m looking for my burrow owl.” I say, “Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows
the burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do youthink they call it a burrow owl, anyway?” Now Stuart, do you
think a kid like that is going to know what the queers are doing to the soil?

I first became aware of this about ten years ago, the summer my oldest boy, Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival comes into
town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride called The Mixer. The man said, “Keep your head, and arms, inside the Mixer at all times.” But Bill Jr, he was a DAREDEVIL, just like his old man. He was leaning out saying “Hey everybody, Look at me! Look at me!” Pow! He was decapitated! They found his head over by the snow cone concession.

A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there’s a pamphlet in there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it’s addressed to Bill, Jr. And it’s entitled, “Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?”

Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city where there’s a large underground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart. You can’t build on it; you can’t grow anything in it. The government says it’s due to poor farming. But I know what’s really going on, Stuart. I know it’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens. They’re building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to
God.

You know what, Stuart, I like you. You’re not like the other people, here, in the trailer park

just thinking. what are the worst pickup lines you’ve ever heard?
“hey baby, ever done it with a guy who has aids?”
“hi, your breasts look like my mother’s, because hers were witheld from me also. i was so hungry”
“i bet you and me could work together to move my couch. and my armoire”
“i make all my own clothes”
“wanna ride in the mostly green stanza of love?”
“hey, i’m going to rape you. just kidding, can i have your number?”
“i hope you brought defibrillators, because i’m going into cardiac arrest baby. no really, break out the defibrillator”
“can i buy you a drink that i can put drugs in? i mean, not put drugs in? god that’s hard to remember.”
“gosh, i haven’t done any gay porn in years!”
“you know who you look like? grandma.”

i think the one about rape i heard somewhere, but the rest are off the top of my head.

you got any good ones?

david cross and h. jon benjamin, two of the funnier mofos in the world, do a comedy central show. not a guarantee of funniness, but a good start.

anyone else watch the UFC special on saturday? i don’t think i have seen a nose broken that insanely in my life before.

Get more pictures like this from SHERDOG.COM

see where his nose is right now? now imagine about the bottom 75% of it over to your left by about 1/2″. totally gross and awesome. anderson silva got him in the best muay thai clinch (franklin misjudged his clinch strength, and said as much after the fight) and started delivering ferosious knees to his body and legs, which caused frankling to try and protect himself, which caused franklin to have his face mashed up into a goo by anderson silva’s knee.

good lord it was gruesome. if anyone can find a pic of franklin’s face i’d appreciate it.

is fuckin’ awesome.

matthew yglesias. Quote is from this WaPo story.

In the first nine months of this year, Bush declared more than twice as many events or outcomes “unacceptable” or “not acceptable” as he did in all of 2005, and nearly four times as many as he did in 2004. He is, in fact, at a presidential career high in denouncing events he considers intolerable. They number 37 so far this year, as opposed to five in 2003, 18 in 2002 and 14 in 2001.

James Wolcott piles on “Distort D’newza” some more.

I know it’s been going on for a long time, but the cries of “traitor” and the finger-pointing of the Right are getting louder, more strident, and more violent. Dinesh D’Souza, slime creature born of Scaife/Coors funded thinktanks, is oozing out a new book (link goes to James Wolcott destroying it) explicitly saying 9/11 was the fault of the “cultural left”.
He’s utterly full of shit, but his book and the specious lies in it will be used as ammo over the coming weeks leading up to the election. Wolcott goes totally bananas on it, and he has a martial keyboard nearly unrivalled in blogdom.
I’d recommend reading that article, and studying what’s being talked about. When someone tells you, “You liberals caused 9/11”, be more prepared to laugh in their idiot face than to punch it in.