Babyfight Dispensing goo since 1999

18May/13Off

I need to write more

I just got told that I need to write, because I'm good at it. It feels odd, having someone tell me I'm good at something. I have a reflexive reaction to deflect praise and pretend I'm not good at anything. I don't know, honestly, if I have any chops as a writer, but I suppose it's worth a go. I'll try to write more updates here, for a start. But less personal stuff. That's changed, there's other things happening that don't allow for the public catharsis I was going for before, and I'm going to try and come up with either more abstract or downright fictional things I can write. Maybe short stories? They're excellent practice, and honestly, my main problem is not practicing. Writing, at least in the crude way I understand it, responds to practice, to putting blood on the line. Moving your mind and your hands to make something. Like any creative endeavor it requires an overall idea, blocked out in large swathes, then whittled down to its essence. Like finding the shape within a block of marble, or some bullshit metaphor like that.

I enjoyed writing about books. I just wrapped up The Twelve, the second book of Justin Cronin's Passage trilogy. It's odd...it didn't hook me in. The world is so insanely stark that I think maybe I ended up with some scarring from the first novel, and The Twelve simply didn't hammer me as hard emotionally as The Passage did. Excellent adventure stories, and some very wonderfully written descriptive scenes. Cronin has an interesting approach to metaphor as well, and I occasionally found myself laughing happily at the imagery he employs...other times kind of skimming over it. A worthwhile read, all things taken together, and I recommend it.

I also not too long ago read Stephen King's The Stand, which came highly recommended (it's been around quite a while I know. I just haven't read much King). I had a good time reading this book, right up til the ending. No spoilers, but I was pretty disappointed with how it ended. I'd read McCarthy's The Road right before it, and was much more satisfied with that read, ultimately, than with The Stand. I'm kind of a homer for Cormac McCarthy, though, so take that with a grain of salt.

Apparently I'm on an apocalypse kick lately. Anyone got any suggestions for good end-of-the-world books? I've always been more interested in the aftermath than the actual whatever happened to initiate it, so bear that in mind.

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7Mar/13Off

Well now

I'm kind of stunned right now. For a lot of reasons. I thought I had poisons in me but I guess I don't. My head is spinning a little...I think I'll just post some songs. Listen to them carefully, OK? They're fucking good songs.

I am a breathing time machine.

I got a big big mouth that just won't shut up!

I thought I knew, but I don't know if I know.

6Mar/13Off

Wednesday morn

So apparently my roommate has a feed for my site and she was concerned that my last post was due to drunken craziness instead of my normal brain malfunctions. I can say, happily, that while I was indeed drunk while writing it, I stand by every word.

Sarah woke up with Trampled by Turtles running through her head, so I found this live version of "Wait So Long" for her to enjoy:

The bass player is so endearingly awkward.

The Kings put a third period all up in the Blues' backsides last night. They come in trailing 4 to 1 and then go out with a 6-4 win. How much do the Blues hate playing my fellas? Love it. Also: Never fight Kyle Clifford. He will fuck you up so bad. Lucky #13, the Big Red Dog.

Note also the lack of fucks given while he skates off after hitting that guy so hard he forgets his kids' names.

5Mar/13Off

Doop di Tooozday

Heavy shit I've been writing! Maybe something less heavy today. Media consumption perhaps?

I read the Cormac McCarthy book The Road, which was made into a movie starring Viggo Mortensen (Mac from Sunny: "VIRGO MORTENSTEIN!"[punches a girl in the face]) . I liked the book fine, it was a bit brutal. But knowing Viggo was in it, and making the character in the book look like him, was tough in my brain because I haven't seen the movie, I just know he was in it. So while I mentally invented the kid from whole cloth, I had to use Aragorn to stand in for the man, which made for some odd moments in the story, in my head anyway.

Fig. 1

I've begun watching a series on Netflix called "Lost Girl". It's possibly the worst show ever. Take the cheesiness of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and remove the charm of the writing, replace that with awkward Canadians trying to act like wise-cracking Americans (but oooh how they struggle not to apologize every time they insult each other!). Sprinkle liberal doses of side-boob, butts, and near-Cinemax-level sex scenes (they refuse to show a nipple for some reason, on a female at least, but everything short of full frontal seems to fly), and for some reason I can't stop watching. Luckily there's only two seasons on Netflix and I'm almost done, the fever will run its course. One redeeming quality is the sidekick chick Kenzi. She hits my right in the golly-she's-pretty areas. No officer not the bathing suit areas. I've always been a sucker for the waify big eyed lots of eyeliner type. See Fig. 1.

I started re-reading The Kraken by China Miéville (still no idea how to spell that dirty Marxist's name). Still as enjoyable as I remember. You go, Mee-yeh-ville? My-ay-vee? My-vile?

The second book in Justin Cronin's Passage series is out. I'm going to wait a bit to get it, I don't have money to spend $18 on an ebook right now. I may re-read the first one, too. That story was pretty funky if I remember correctly, with like a hundred years just popping up between chapters at one point. I will report!

Here's a song for Nikki.

 

Daydreaming

Middle Brother

Middle Brother

Early in the morning too hungover to go back to sleep.

Every sound is amplified, every light so dizzying.

Listen for a while to the neighbors having sex

Wishing I could lay my aching head upon your breast.

 

Can't I dream another dream?

Can't I close my eyes and wander back to sleep?

 

But I'm daydreaming about you.

I know that it's wrong.

That I'm daydreaming about you

Cuz I've been daydreaming for so long.

 

A Bloody Mary afternoon, waste my time out in the sun.

Hum myself some melodies, maybe I can sing you one.

Maybe I could find you sitting down at the cafe.

Maybe I could join you at your table today.

 

Can't I just get what I want?

Can't I be the man that steals away your heart?

 

But I'm daydreaming about you.

I know that it's wrong.

That I'm daydreaming about you.

I've been daydreaming for so long.

Yeah, I've been daydreaming for so long.

 

Later in the evening take the bus down and see the show.

He'll be behind the bar. I'll get a beer, leave a tip and lay low.

I'm just a kid that gets his drinks from you

And stands around and doesn't have a clue.

 

Can't I hold you close to me?

Can't I ever say to you just what I mean?

 

But I'm daydreaming about you.

I know that it's wrong

That I'm daydreaming about you.

Cuz I've been daydreaming for so long.

Oh yeah, I've been daydreaming for so long.

 

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14Feb/13Off

Wednesday day

I went over to my grandfather's old place this morning to help my mom move things. Apparently my great aunt or what your grandpa's sister is had been staying there for the last couple years after he passed away and had basically left it a ruin, cat claw marks everywhere, fridge is broken, blah blah blah. She was going to stay for four months. Anyway, we went through a lot of stuff, I took pics of all of it. My mom wanted to share the pics to see if anyone wanted any mementos or anything. Then we started bagging things up and boxing em. There's a ficus on the back porch I got my eye on. Found a couple fishing reels I took with me too, and some fridge magnets. Forgot the sailboat painting. I want that sailboat painting.

Then I got home, did a few emails and worky things, and did almost an hour on the old eliptical. I'm feeling pretty ok, not terrible. Three days in a row of about an hour of moderate exercise. Let's make it four tomorrow.

I learned how to play "Infinite Arms" by Band of Horses on guitar also.

Just the chords, not the dreamy parts.

I had a dream
I had a dream
That I was your neighbor
About to give birth
And then everything
Was really hurt
And I was so lonely
I didn't see It's like
Living in a movie
Twisting the plot
My friends and family
The little things I've got, I've got

When my thoughts drift to youI love the morning

I like to listen
To 4am birdies
Begging to feed
Now there's something here before me
A figure, I think
Isn't there a warning
Or something to drink
My god, my god

When my thoughts drift to you

These mended bones
The storms approach
Ever so slowly
Out on the sea
There's an animal below me
Lack of control
Others came before me
Others to come, to come

When my thoughts drift to you

F, Em7 repeats for the verses
then G, Am, Bm, C for the "when my thoughts drift to you part. There's two times they do the drift chorus twice, and between you go back to the F for a few strums before it's G time again. The last one you play slowing down. What do they call that in musicality-based societies?

12Feb/13Off

Took a walk

I took a stroll around Kit Carson Park today. I hadn't been there in a while, and Ikoi and I powerwalked the length of it. It was good to get a tiny little sweat on, after my potato-like sitting about ways lately. I'd not seen the sculpture garden they built in there. I took a pic of Ikoi celebrating.

ikoi-sculpture

I also stopped by the pond and communed with the ducks for a while.

ducks

They did not seem to give a fuck. Ducks are like that.

 

5Feb/130

For some reason…

...she still thinks that "I don't want to talk to you" means "I should talk to him". I'm so fully done with everything to do with her. I'm looking forward to things finalizing very much.

All that rubbish aside, Charles showed me some good bands, Trampled By Turtles and The Devil Makes Three, I added them into the hillbilly playlist.

That fiddler and the picker are on all the crack.

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23Jan/130

If anyone’s curious

We're going to divorce. She got in touch with our facilitator and finally responded to something. So we should be on our way by the end of the week to a glorious dissolution of our 12 year relationship.

I'm going back and forth but primarily I'm feeling some relief. She had the same problems with me and her life the entire time we were together, and she never seemed to want to fix it. She caught me off-guard with this a couple months ago, and things fell apart pretty rapidly. As I told her, numerous times: if you're not happy, you owe it to yourself to move on. I tried everything I could to get her to come work things out with me, but in the end she couldn't do it.

I honestly hope she's happy someday, and finds whatever it is she's looking for. I refuse to regret my life with her...I did my damnedest to be a good man. I'm going to go forward continuing to try and be a good man, a good father, and look at the world, in the words of Ashitaka, "with eyes unclouded by hate".

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7Dec/120

Such a time

Right now I feel so low.

I've got a lot of bad things happening. My job has disappeared, and I'm not sure how I'm going to make my mortgage payment. My kid's car is basically collapsing and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay her tuition to school. And my marriage is basically in complete collapse, with my understanding wife saying she may want to possibly at some ill-defined point in the future work things out.

Honestly, I'm not feeling all that great.

I thought it would be good to write about it here, since I haven't written here in a long time and no one reads it anyway, but it does. not. feel. good.

So fuck this

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31Oct/120

Happy Halloween

When I was a kid the big Halloween kerfuffle was razor blades being hidden in candy to slice up children's mouths. It never happened as far as anyone knows. A friend of mine did have his little brother put a thumbtack in his mashed potatoes once, but that's just a fucked-up little kid thing. He totally bit into it, too. That hurts my face just thinking of it. But I digress. More kids will get killed by drunk drivers this year than by razor-blade candy, yet people are hardly hysterical about the unbelievable carnage drunk driving leaves on the roadways. I think "safety theater" is more important than actually attempting to be safer, for most people. Like carefully putting on a seat belt, then driving ten feet off another car's ass on the freeway at 90 MPH. You literally cannot save yourself from a collision at that point. There's physically nothing you can do. But that seat belt! You're being safe!

Since the wifey is off in LA being fantastic I have nobody to trick or treat with, and kids never come to our condo complex. Maybe it's because I sit on the front porch in my underpants cleaning my shotgun, but maybe not. I am a little bummed we get no trick or treaters. It seems it would be fun to scare children. "Soon you will be fat and old! OoooOOOooo!"

I just recently read through the "500 Greatest Albums" list by Rolling Stone put together a while back, and "Nothing's Shocking" clocks in at #312, "Ritual De Lo Habitual" way up at #55. It's subjective of course. There's plenty of albums on there that I wouldn't wipe my ass with, and a shiiitload too many Dylan albums. We get it, you middle-aged Rolling Stone editors like Bob Dylan. Quit it. Personally, I think Jane's "XXX" album should have been on there as well.  The funniest part about any subjective list on the internet, of course, is that nearly EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD will instantly start arguing about how your subjective list is TOTALLY WRONG AND HERE'S WHY. Endlessly until your house fills up with bile. In the past, I've remedied this by fixing the person arguing with me with a look and asking "Are you telling me my opinion of this [subjective thing] is wrong? You know what I like better than I do?" and that usually changes the subject pretty fast, or ends up in a fistfight. But the internet...oh the internet. So full of anger.

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